Wars...

I realize now that I was Cain’s only true friend at all… I was his angel, and I remember spending most of my summer vacation –after my 7th grade school year- at his home, to play with his sons. He even told my grandma, that he liked having me there. My grandma then exaggerated, and said it was because I was playing with his sons, and that was the reason why he liked me coming over. I was a gay guardian for him, and he knew it. I was God in his eyes. Brit's album has flopped. It debuted at #2 and it is now in the #40's. I always knew that when she got popular, that it was only for a matter of time. Her record sales declined with every album she released since her first.It's funny that her debut sold great in 1999, and she was this big star -allegedly- and then her record sales were less for her in 2000, when her second album came out. THEN her third album in 2001, only sold 4 million copies. In the Zone sold 2 million copies, and then her greatest hits album sold 1 million. NOW Blackout hasn't even went gold at all! And it has dropped badly. I love her and her music, but she can't sing or dance well... She's also a bad musician!!!

Dedi

I realized that my Uncle Cain was gay… He died three years ago. I loved me in a way which he didn’t love his own sons. He knew I was gay, and liked that fact that I would one day lived my life, the way he wished he lived his.

You see, when he was a young his parents told him to marry a woman, because being with a man was a sin. He ended up marrying my aunt, who just happened to like him. I didn’t want to settle down with her. To supplement his gay sides, he had many boyfriends on the side.

It’s funny how he would just leave in the afternoon, and tell his wife that he was out doing errands. When he didn’t really work in the afternoon. He actually dated a man who was blonde, young and handsome, and they had some wild ass sex… The kind that gay pornos feature. Even my cousin said she woke up and walked in the kitchen and noticed he was watching a gay porno.

My uncle was a pornographer in life. His union with my aunt helped me to realize why he was so resentful to her 3 daughters, from previous marriages. He loved his natural sons, but he was rough to his stepdaughters. He was a man in hurt, and I didn’t realize this growing up. Actually I did, but I couldn’t figure it out. My cousins would say that their stepdad was mean to them, and the he didn’t love them or claim them.

I thought that was awful. But I realize now that he was gay and wanted freedom. Another thing I would like to talk about?! In high school, my uncle’s oldest teenage stepdaughter, moved in with my family, because she claimed he molested her. Now this seems horrible, but what I find unusual is that, he has 3 stepdaughters which he raised. He NEVER once touched anyone of them growing up- (Very Dynasty/Alexis Carrington)!! But out of no where, the oldest get’s touched??? Sounds ODD?

It doesn’t help that he was into watching porn. But he never once molested any of his kids growing up? But take this: my cousin Mara (his oldest stepdaughter), was molested by her previous stepdad. Could it be that, Mara came on to Cain out of lust, and Cain rejected her, thus causing her to use the molestation card??? Also, when Mara moved in with my family, she refused to take this matter to court??? My mom was willing to support her court case, and she even offered to get her an attorney? But for some reason, Mara refused…

Also, when she lived with us, she used to sneak her boyfriend into their room and make out with him! I feel that Mara was promiscuous, and out of revenge wanted to seduce Cain. Why? Because she hated living with a lazy homebody mom – who collected welfare- and a dad, which never saw her as a daughter? Cain never really saw her as a daughter, so she didn’t mind just being his call girl. He rejected her seduction and she cried and called up my mom, claiming that Cain molest her.

My last evidence comes from the fact. 2 years after living with us, Mara and her friend Bri went to her mom’s home to decorate a tiny tree for her sisters. Cain was there and he told her off…according to her. This was the story, which my mom told me. Now I believe that he was mean to her, but not as bad as she claimed. I feel that he treated her badly because he was still pissed at her accusations. All of this makes sense.

Also, I know a gay man when I see one…I think that Cain always had a thing for me. I’m flattered! The man was fat, but fine. He has a fat round tight ass, and I found it hot, especially when I saw him in his underwear!!! I bet he got off on me looking at him!

Cain was gay, and now he is dead. Let me tell you one factor of evidence about his death, which confirmed he slept around and wasn’t protecting himself. Any person of any sexuality can get STDs. Keep that in mind. Okay…4 years ago, Cain went to visit his son at college in Arizona. He got stung by a bee, which left a mark on his head.

His wife claimed that this sting, lead him to get sick. A bee sting doesn’t do that. But with every passing month he got sicker and sicker. OKAY…don’t you think that if dangerous bees like this existed in Arizona, that there would be a state epidemic and some kind of quarantine procedure? None of that happened. He just got sicker and sicker from the sting- according to my aunt.

Now, 1 year prior to the sting, he worked with a fishing company out at the port! My dad told me, that Cain was having an affair with someone there. I don’t know how my dad found this out, but I’ll tell you this… My dad and Cain were like brothers, and I feel that Cain confided in my dad about the truth between him and Mara. Also, I feel he confided in my dad about his sexuality.

Okay! If that is the case, then my dad would’ve known about his affair at the port, and he would’ve known that it was with a guy??? I believe that Cain had unprotected sex with a man –in Arizona- and caught HIV? Why? Because during this last years on earth, he went from very fat the very thin. A bee sting doesn’t do that?!

The man died of AIDS!!!

Well I just watched Starrbooty to cheer me up! I realize it's a campy feel good movie! Ru did her job at making this film great! There are so many funny moments. The dress up scene, when Starr dresses up to be a hooker if hott! I’m almost done watching Bedroom Eyes, and it get’s hotter and hotter!

I’m a telepath. I know so many closet gay Mormon men here at school. I can sense their fear and pain of their truth. They’re not strong like me, when it comes to being out! Sometimes I have to relax that I’m not having a bad day, but just sensing their pain!

I really want red hair late next year. I want Reddest Copper Red by Miss Clairol. But I also want to have blonde hair?! Red is my favorite color to dye my hair! Maybe I will be pleased with caramel blonde?! Feria has a really cool color called, Caramel Kiss! I’ve been wanting to use that color in my hair for a long time, and I think that’s it time to put it to good use!

My New Testament has become a boring class for me. It’s a 2 hour class with a 10minute break in between. I am trying to love positive with no stress in my mind. It's hard since habits are hard to break. But why should I be unhappy? My life is going great, and I'm accomplishing things. Actually I am improving my acting and singing abilities.

Yes it's true, my weight still hasn’t gone down to what I wish it would be, but I'll get there soon. In the meantime all I can do is grieve for my big body, which still isn't thin. Perhaps I'll go walking on Friday? Yeah I'll do that, but I'll need to rest in the afternoon for it! Yes I will have violet black hair from January to April of next year.

Then I will decolorize my hair, and then just grow it out. The in August, I will color my hair ash blonde. I hope that it will turn out to be a medium to light color.

Actually this is my plan for having ash blonde hair. As far as taking care of my hair. This plan can change in the future. Here it the plan:


Matrix Shade Memory Blondes Daily shampoo and conditioner


Matrix Shade Memory Blondes Foam Conditioner Cool

Redken Extreme Rescue Force

Hey!!!!

Well I feel good. I am dead tired, because I have shopped all day for needed stuff! I have lost much weight! You can tell, by how unchubby my neck looks. It's not easy. I'll tell you, I am going to color my hair violet black hair next year! Then I'm going to be a blonde at the later part of next year!!! IDK if I want light blonde or golden blonde hair?!

I think that I want a light golden blonde hair, that's not pale at all?! I want this color:

Now I can live with this color!!!! That's my goal to have that color!!!!

TALK TO ME!!!!

Well I bought the DVD and soundtrack CD to Starrbooty! I saw the first film on the Funtone site!!!! The first SB movies were done in very low budget! But it features some of Ru’s best acting!!!

Candy!!!

I know that being openly gay as a singer may cause some controversy in your life? But so what? I used to have a self-denying bisexual friend who told me in a serious way, "What are you going to do when you become a singer, and people treat you differently because you're gay!"

The truth was, she didn’t' want me to succeed in accomplishing my dreams. Also she's ashamed of being bi! She wants to make other bi and gay people miserable because she hates herself. We're not friends now because she is jealous that I had a man who loved me while her girlfriend dumped her. There is A LOT more to that story, then what I am writing.

I know that as a singer I MAY get some bad feedback for being gay, but is it worth it? YES!!! It's worth fighting for my right at a gay person to be happy as a singer in the music business! How can you be happy if you don’t' follow your heart and fight for who you are?!!! My ex-friend, who I will call Trina, doesn’t. My encouragement towards her has been a waste, since she is so ashamed of being who she is! It's sad, she lives a miserable life with her husband, where she fakes being happy! Whether it's by denial or utter naivety, people believe she is happy with her husband.

Robot!

I am starting to lose weight very slowly. But it's happening. I realize that I am rubenesque, because I am young and growing. My fat will leave when Nature is ready to take my fat away. Also I have grown and realize that some of my worries are no big deal... I just have to breathe and take time to think my trials over. God will helpe me when I need him.

I go to Christian college, and this school filters any sites that do with homosexuality. They allow sites that suppor anti-homosexuality! I am pissed that my friend Rio got married to a woman! He is gay, and is in love with me! I feel he got married to please hi parents. But secretly he has man he messes with! I know my semi-friend Peter get's it on with men, behind his wive's back.

In the Mormon religion, you get married in sacred Temples. Both of these men are madd stupid to think that they're marriage would be acceptable if they are fucking men?! Well more power to them! Atleast they still get manfucked every now and then?! They're both handsome but ugly looking.

I would sleep with them!!!

Well today is a good day. All is fine with me. I realize that through my challenges that I have to put my faith fully in Heavenly Father. If you go through hell, and yet you STILL are not getting the point of why God put you through that, then you really are DUMB in every way! God gives up trials, and if we find the meaning behind it, then we will be happier. But it's up to our own spirits to find that message.

That's my view and finding the message behind a trial. A Mormon male missionary serves two years in the field. I only served six. I was sent home because a doctor diagnosed me with depression. But I got a certificate, which stated that I did complete my mission. Anyway, even though I was depressed I still could have finished the whole two years. But I believe that I was sent home from another reason.

Shortly after I came home, I realized that being gay was more and more of a reality with every passing month. That's why I had to come home. God needed me for another mission- as a Gay man. He needed me to discover myself, and inspire other gay people to accept themselves as who they are.

It surprises me that some gay people go about life saying that they are advocates of being a Homosexual. Yet they would want to change if they had the chance. I think what they don’t realize, is that God created them in a special way.

Love!!!

Mannequin.

When I watched this as a kid, it helped me to realize that my true love would come in a "different" from. Not a mannequin THOUGH. But in the form of a man. Even as a kid I knew I was gay. This unique romance unconsciously let me know that!

Free to Be

Late last year, I read a touching post from RuPaul's blog:

Monday, June 12, 2006
AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM ARI GOLDA letter to my community of friends and family,While I have always in the past tried to keep my emails light and happy with all of my career successes, for the first time I am compelled to say something that I feel very strongly about, something that is quite serious, regarding the terrible, disgusting, despicable and infuriating thing that happened to my very dear friend and beloved artist to the worldwide gay community Kevin Aviance. Perhaps I need to write this for myself for my own therapy, but this time, I don’t care. Most of you have probably already heard that Kevin was the victim of a hate crime. He was verbally and physically assaulted by 5 guys and is now recovering in the hospital from a fractured jaw and a busted knee. His face is swollen and he has bruises on his forehead. His jaw must be sewn shut for at least 2 weeks in order to heal. Coincidentally or not, this has happened to Kevin during gay pride season...a time when us gay performers make a huge portion of our yearly income. I don’t need to go into more details regarding the assault and beating as it has already made the cover of the Post, the Daily News and received coverage in the New York Times and all national news programs including CBS, NBC, and FOX. NYC Mayer Bloomberg has called the crime “unacceptable.” Kevin is strong and he is thankfully doing well. His spirit is as strong as ever. I have personally received an outpouring of mail from people who have expressed their concern. But I do need to take this opportunity to step on the proverbial soap box and say that in case anyone was wondering why we have to be “out” artists or “gay artists” and why we have to make our sexuality an issue and in case anyone has questioned why we are fighting for the right to be married—THIS is why. NOT because so many of us hold marriage as something that we want so badly (although many of us are in real positions of needing those rights when it comes to our real lives with our partners)...but because we need to teach our children and society at large that EVERYONE deserves EQUAL treatment and that EVERYONE deserves to have the same CHOICES as everyone else. If we DON’T have the same CHOICES and if we DON’T have the same rights, we are continuing to spread a message that some people are not as valuable as others and therefore we can beat them and throw them to the curb as was done to Kevin. Incidentally, the 5 people that perpetrated this crime were from the ages of 16 to 20. If we let our President make an amendment for THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY that TAKES AWAY peoples rights as apposed to giving people their rights, then we are saying that what happened to Kevin is OK. And it’s not OK.Kevin you are a hero. You have been a personal hero to me since I first came out and started to go out to gay clubs. Having grown up in Yeshiva, Gay clubs were the first spaces I knew of where I felt like it was OK to be who I am. And there you always were, Kevin—showing us that we can be whoever we want to be and that despite our differences, we are still a community. Without you in the club world, without your art, without your music, without your performances, I don’t know if I would have ever felt like we really are one community. You have continued the legacy that the drag queens started during the Stonewall Rebellion—being the first ones on the front lines fighting for our civil and human rights. You have been a cherished and loved best friend to me for over 10 years and you were also one of my very first supporters and continue to be a great supporter of artists like myself who are not afraid to be who they are in a world that is clearly still run by hate. I know I speak for many when I say that we are grateful that you have been there for us and grateful that you are here still and that your sprit remains “So Alive” after something that might have taken down a weaker person. Thank you for not being afraid to speak out against the crime done to you even when they physically tried to steal your powerful voice away. Thank you once again for being proud of who you are no matter what the circumstance. We all wish you a very speedy recovery and we can’t wait to see you again and the joy that you bring to our lives. You are the rhythm and soul of this community. We love you, Kevin.Sincerely, ARI GOLD

I agree with Ru. Religions want to condemn us so much, that they want to deny that people like us do get persecuted. I remember last year, I found out that for every 1 teen in America, who commits suicide, there will be 7 gay teens, who will commit suicide. Religious people will just deny something like this, and continue to say that God doesn't like Homosexuals.

I went through the same thing with my parents. My dad accepted me, after I explained myself TRULY to him. I ended up literally telling my mom off, because she can be real stubborn when it comes to things. She eventually accepted me. So everything is fine right now.

Lke a Virgin

I am using Suave Sleek shampoo and conditioner, and I hate it! It dries out my hair, and it fades my red-colored hair. I decided that I will soon use some other shamps and conds in my hair. Here is my grooming plan, which will happen very soon...

Vive Pro Color Vive shampoo and conditioner for Color-Treated Dry Hair, as well as the intensive deep conditioenr treatment.

Secret Body Mist: Tropical Tango

L'Oreal Feria Multi-Faceted Shimmering Colour, Deep Burgundy Brown/Warmer 36

Sex!

Well I got an IPod Nano from my friend Brett. It came with his purchase of an IMac. I uploaded my Traci Lords album unto my Pod. I went walking today, and I'm happy. I felt chubby and fat today. Although I'm big, I'm not fat. But I have been trying to drop 20 pounds. I hope that I can lose 20 pounds by December?

My red hair is fading real badly. I plan to revive it with a demi-permanent hair dye. Most like something from Color Spa. One time, my estranged friend admitted to me, that he told my dad that he thought I was a prophet. He said that, because he knows how spiritual I am. He just meant that, I'm in turn with God. I love God, and I know he loves me as me: a Homosexual.

Robert is one hott bitch, but he's nutts- as in my dick in this throat- so I'm afraid of getting freaky with him. He might do something harmful to me, like pole me!

Starrpanty!

Well today I went to Sephora and I sadly found out that Jessica's Simpson's Dessert Treats has been discontinued. I'm not surprised that it wasn't that popular, but I did love her whipped body creams. Lollipop was my favorite.

Anyway, I was told by a worker that Walgreens will have a discount brand of Jessica's brand. Also, Sentiment has been officially been discontinued. I hate that! That was my favorite scent. Rockin' Rio, may have been canceled out as well! I didn't see in at Sephora's. They usually have the latest from Escada.

I tried out Gwen Stefani’s new fragrance and it smelled of a sweet bamboo scent. It's nice, but not my kind of scent! I also decided that the next shampoo and conditioner I used will be Vive Pro for Color-treated hair. It heals porous hair, and my hair is still quite damaged from having blonde hair, from January to April of this year.

Kitty Box

Kitty Box is my favorite Lil'Kim sex song!!! It get's me heated like a cat on the prowl! Anyway, I have just been cast as a Policeman in my college’s production of The Front Page. I am pretty sure that it's a small part, which I am glad about. I am in no mood to be a lead, especially since I will be hitting the books HARD! But not in the dirty way, I like to HIT IT!

One of my fantasies -like many boys- is masturbating my man's piece while it's in his underwear. Then after he comes, I pull back his briefs to see his cummy as stretchy and lemon dickeri!

Happy love!!!

I just finished an incredible story for my English class. It was the Gimpel. I loved it! You can Google it if you want. But it says so much about me and my feelings of love right now. My love for that special person is unconditional. Meaning that after people have trampled them down in the mud, I will be there to pick him up. That’s how my love goes.
Love is sacrifice, pain and picking up the one you love from the fire of shame and hate. That’s me. Reading this story has convinced me that my English teacher has provided good books for me to read and learn from.

Seriously...who gives a damn, if I misinterpreted this dellusional saga anyway?! Lifeee...

Foundation

I realize that when I feel life is down for me, that it's Karma, letting know that I will get rich quick. For the last 9 days, I have been hating myself for being gay, loving Larry and so many other things. I realized that trials are given to me to strengthen my belief in Heavenly Father. Without trials, I will never grow.

I realized that no one is perfect. Many times when I sit in church, I feel like the speakers are preaching to me. THEY ARE, and that's now why you attend church. Church is a school, where you take what you learned and explore it for yourself. Many speakers at my church just preach and tell you that you have to do this and that, or you'll go to hell.

It desensitizes me when speakers preach and not just instruct. Let the saints explore... They will never learn, unless they do.

In school

Well I am in colllege again and I am finally ready to kick ass. Myspace has been blocked from my school, so I have decided to have a side blog here in this site. Well, I my hair is bright red and I am happy. I have reconnected with Heavenly Father, and things are going to go much better for me. I plan to finish my degree, and move on with life.

I decided that I am from now on going to used Vive Pro for color-treated hair. This Biolage knock-off stuff I'm using is useless. It doesn't repair my hair at all. I also decided to stop coloring my hair this coming January. I'll color my hair again in June.

I want to start all over again with a head of natural hair. We'll just see if that will really happen though?